Thursday, September 2, 2010

A quick break from our regularly scheduled programming

I still have more to post about preparing for baby but I need to take a little detour for a moment...

I went to the ObGyn earlier this week for a non-fertility related appointment. It was a doctor I hadn't seen before so she asked if I was using contraception and if I had a regular partner, etc. all the usual questions when you're seeing a new doc. I proceeded to tell her, my usual schpeal...yes, I'm married, my husband and I have been trying to conceieve for over 4 years and have decided to pursue adoption. She asked me what we tried in terms of getting pregnant so I shared the details and told her we got to the point of IVF and felt like we were at a cross roads. We knew we didn't have the money or emotional resources for both IVF and adoption and adoption felt right. So we decided not to pursue any more fertility treatments and move forward with adoption.

She was great, excited we were becoming parents through adoption and seemed genuinely happy for us. Then she proceeded to tell me, if I decided I wanted to have IVF at some point, maybe after we adopt I could do that and that I'm "still young" (about the turn 37 in a couple months) but once I hit 40 many doctors would recommend I use donor eggs. I said ok, thanks for letting me know and we moved on. But after I left my appointment something was bothering me and after thinking about it I realized the uneasiness I was feeling was related to that conversation.

Let me clarify. It's not that it bothers me hearing about fertility treatments, this is not my first time at the rodeo so to speak, and I know alot about them already, but whenever a doctor gives me the "you still have time" litany I start to have this feeling like I better do something quick "or else". As a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time I am keenly aware of my age and how that relates to my fertility. So being confronted with that yet again makes me feel antsy. Plus my focused has shifted, I'm AM having a baby, just not giving birth.

I realized it would have been so much more helpful for me if the doctor had instead asked me about bringing home a baby and whether I might have questions about that. Given me advice on choosing a pediatrician or asked me about taking a newborn care class...the kinds of things she might address if I was pregnant. Meeting me where I am...not pursuing fertility treatments, and on my way to bringing a baby home.

I also realized this experience with my doctor is just one example, it seems many people don't know how to respond to the announcement we're adopting without making sense of why we wouldn't be having a biological child. Often people are upset by the idea that we wouldn't do everything medically possible to conceive before adopting. I get ongoing advice about something so and so did and did we try that? By the time most couples come to the decision of adopting and announce it to the world, most have more information about potential ways to get pregnant than you can imagine. Honestly, if we got pregnant (by some miracle) we would be thrilled, and we would still pursue adoption. This is a very special road to parenthood, and we are excited about our journey. Even though we came to it through infertility, it has become very important to both of us.

My hope is whoever we share our story with can celebrate with us and embrace this beautiful life we're living. It may not be the most conventional road to parenting, but it's no less valid than "the old fashioned way". It's about reinventing your dreams and celebrating what is. We're having a baby people! That's exciting!


  1. It is very exciting news! I always get questions about did you try this or try that, too. I'm very excited to one day grow my family through adoption! Congratulations on your road to parenthood!

  2. So well said. Even with all the ups and downs, it is still exciting. Like you said, "It's about reinventing your dreams and celebrating what is..." SUCH a great perspective.