Monday, October 11, 2010

Jumping into the great wide open

Right after our match became official I spent several days in what I would call good news shock. I was trying to comprehend the amazing good news that I was experiencing along with making peace with the inherant fears related to that very experience. If I'm honest I'm still processing it. Just last night it kind of hit me, wow, my life is about to seriously change. I've been conceptualizing the idea of becoming a parent for so long. Every job I've had over the past several years I start thinking, I wonder if this is where I will work when we have a baby? Or when we go camping I think, I wonder how it will be to bring our baby camping? Or how will it be to see my hubby as a daddy or my dad as a grandpa? It's been something I've thought about for years in all kinds of different situations. It's kind of strange to start thinking about what it is actually going to be like. I know my life is about the take a dramatic turn. There is about to be a little person in my life unlike any other person who has come before, I know I am about to be changed in ways I can't even imagine and I can't wait! Adoption is such a special and unique experience because as an adoptive parent it is sort of like the first trimester and the last two months of pregancy all rolled into one.

I have felt that fierce urge to protect the information of our experience, similar to how I imagine the first trimester of pregnancy would be where you are super excited but also know a miscarriage is possible. I have also felt the extreme excitement of being just afew months from our due date and in the thick of baby preparation. Throw into the mix the experience of getting to know the birth mother and it's a wild ride to say the least.

After lots of emotional stops and starts while making my way out of the baby shock haze, I decided to just jump in. Do I understand this might not work out? Yes, but I am chosing to trust the process, the birthmom and the little spirit baby who has found us. We will be devastated whether we allow ourselves the excitement or not so why not enjoy this time? We are having a baby people! WooHoo! Let's party!!!

Our match meeting is coming up in the next couple weeks, which is where we will meet with our adoption counselor and the birth parents to talk through all the details of our ongoing contact as well as what will happen at the hospital. I was feeling a little nervous about it, but am feeling more confident. I know it will be intense, and I also know we have the space in our hearts to hold whatever needs holding throughout the conversation. During my life and all the crazy ups and downs I feel like things often come full circle and what I know for sure and am reminded of again and again is that Love is the most important thing.

Love for ourselves, love for each other and the general spirit of love, there can't be too much of it. And when you focus on love, good things happen and you can make it through anything.


  1. Thank you for sharing your excitement and joy. I think you are going forward with the right attitude. Enjoy this time!

  2. I know just how you feel. I was so scared and refused to be overly excited for the first few weeks but my sister in law talked some sense into me. She lost her first baby at 12 weeks and was so scared when she got pregnant again and she refused to be excited because she was just so scared. She said now that her son is here she resents the fact the she didn't enjoy her pregnancy because of fear and told me to not make the same mistake. Even though our situations were quite different I felt much the same way she did. Fear of explaining to people what happened if something went wrong, or fear of looking at baby clothes. We have to overcome the negative in our heads and enjoy it. Congrats!