Open Adoption Round Table and my new blog!

Since my son was born a little over a year ago, I have been thinking about blogging and what the best approach would be for me. I have a few other blogs, and I was feeling like keeping up with all of them was just too much. Hence the radio silence over here. I knew I wanted to continue blogging about adoption, but was feeling conflicted. I wanted to find a way to merge it with the other areas of my life so that I wasn't feeling like there was a blog over here for this...and another over there for that...it's been a bit crazy. I also had to think about what I felt comfortable sharing and how I would go about managing those stories with people who know us. I had a few experiences of writing things here with the idea that I was sharing with my online open adoption peeps to then have an uncomfortable conversation with a relative about the ins and outs of adoption. Don't get me wrong, we have been very open with our families about our adoption process, but some things are better shared with those who have been through it. And I learned the hard way that sharing some things here only lead to fear and distress on the part of some of the people close to us who were reading my posts. Also, I have come to learn that it's not my job to educate the world about adoption - which I was kind of feeling like I needed to do. Unless you've been through it there is really no way of fully understanding the spectrum of emotions involved..so anyway I did some soul searching and am ready to post about the latest open adoption roundtable so I thought I'd let you all know I have a new blog! I have been posting to it for awhile, but have recently decided to share a bit more there about adoption. It will also include stories about my life and business, which will be fun - and a lot less stressful. It's an all in one - here's what's up with us destination. I hope you'll join me

sparklejenna

Open Adoption Roundtable #24

Heather over at Production not Reproduction posts roundtable prompts periodically to spark posts about open adoption topics. I decided to give it a go this month and see if I might be able to resuscitate this blog...so here goes:

How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see?


I have seen open adoption portrayed on the MTV show 16 and pregnant as well as on the WeTV show Adoption Diaries. We don't watch a ton of TV in our house, but we just recently started watching Modern Family and there is a gay couple on that show that adopted a baby from vietnam. I wouldn't say it does a huge service to adoption, it definitely plays in to stereotypes, although I think it's promising that there is a depiction of a gay couple as parents on a main stream TV show. Adoption Diaries actually highlights the adoption agency my husband and I used to adopt our son. When we were going through the process, especially during the "waiting period" I watched every show they had to offer. I think it was a pretty realistic portrayal of the open adoption process - although of course very much abbreviated. The Adoption Diaries showed how meeting a birth mother can be nerve wracking and magical at the same time. As well as how the process can be a roller coaster filled with lots of highs and lows. I know we had a very strong connection with our sons birth parents right from the start. But it was also the craziest and most surreal experience I've ever had - and that's saying something! The thing is when you're embarking down the road of open adoption you really never know what you're going to get. I remember when we were waiting and we would often wonder what "our" birth mother would be like. You could get matched up with someone you love and respect or it could be a scenario that is much less happy and ideal. And that actually goes both ways. I'm sure birthmothers/fathers wonder what "their" adoptive parents will be like. It's a huge leap of faith for everyone. Sitting in the support group meetings at our agency we have heard some pretty amazing and harrowing tales. It always sticks with me that here are these little babies who have all this craziness swirling around them - decisions being made on their behalf that will change the course of their lives, but they don't know a thing. They are just soaking up the love and attention and doing what every baby does...eat, poop, sleep and grow, while all along their lives could take a completely different turn. It's wild to think about.


In terms of what I'd like to see, I think it would be great to see more stories on tv about open adoption. I think it's impossible to truly convey the entire process unless you've been through it. But it would be great to have more mainstream positive examples of how the process works and what's involved. Since choosing adoption for our family, I have met many people who are still surprisingly naive. The idea that we would have an ongoing relationship with our sons birth family is completely foreign to most people and they get that "are you completely crazy?" look in their eyes most of the time we explain. Bottom line adoption isn't for everyone and I get that, but it would be nice if there were more examples out there of how open adoption can work. It would be great if when we mentioned that our son is adopted we didn't get that awkward silence/look, or even worse completely ignorant and sometimes inappropriate questions. That will most likely never happen, but a mom can dream :)

I'm such a cliche

So it's true, I am a complete cliche...have baby, stop blogging but the secret is I actually have been blogging, almost everyday. However it's all baby all the time over there since it's our way of providing pictures and stories to the birth family. If any of you are still out there and would like the address to my other blog, just email me (craftynester(at)gmail(dot)com) but don't say I didn't warn you on the baby overload factor.

oh and p.s. we are still waiting for relinquishments...we are hoping soon. fingers crossed!

relinquishment

We are still waiting for our birth parents to sign relinquishment papers. These are the papers that say they can no longer change their mind about the adoption, where their parental rights are terminated. It's been 6 1/2 weeks since our baby was born, so this is a little longer than it normally takes to sign the papers. Our adoption agency told us it's usually 2-4 weeks.

We aren't worried they will change their minds, I think it's more about logistics than anything else, but I can say it will be nice to have it done.  It's looking like it will be after the holidays at this point since our adoption agency is closing for christmas and the birth mother is going out of town.

I did learn if relinquishment papers aren't signed and there hasn't been any significant contact after 6 months we can file what is called abandonment proceedings. Hopefully we won't have to do this since it's more legal fees for us. But really as long as their not asking for the baby back, and we can continue to have a positive relationship with them I don't really care how it all goes down.

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday! And that all your wishes come true this new year.
xoxo

Adoption Details

I of course am overjoyed about the arrival of our son, but I feel like that's not really what this blog is about. I still want to post about adoption and the process of adopting and so although I will from time to time post about our little man here, I'm going to try to keep my posts focused more on the adoption process.

We are doing our adoption through an agency and because of that we have met several other people who are adopting. We have support group meetings every month and at the beginning of each meeting everyone goes around the room and shares their story, where they are in the process and any details they want to include. It runs the spectrum from people who have just signed up with the agency and aren't even in circulation yet to people who have recently brought a baby home. With our agency once the baby is placed with you, you go into what is called fost adopt status. In most open adoption situations the adoptive parents bring the baby home from the hospital. When this happens the birth parent(s) sign papers allowing you to remove the baby from the hospital, but this does not give you legal custody of the child, nor does it terminate the birth parents rights. For us, along with the papers to allow us to take the baby home from the hospital, there were also papers that placed the baby in the legal custody of the adoption agency. Then we went into "fost adopt" status meaning we are fostering this child with the intention of adopting him. Usually within 2-6 weeks of placement the birth parent(s) sign relinquishment papers. This is what terminates their rights and when as adopting parents you are in the clear of anyone changing their mind.

We are still waiting for relinquishment papers to be signed. It's a strange feeling. For us we are not worried about them changing their minds. We have been in touch and they have reassured us they are confident they made the right choice. But at our support group meetings we hear so many stories. There are as many potential variables as you can imagine with adoption. I feel like we got very lucky. The situation I would have considered ideal if you had asked me when we first signed up is pretty much the situation we ended up with, but I know for many the road is much less certain.

The counselors at our adoption agency told me that when you talk to the "right" birth mother you'll just know, it will feel right. For us that was absolutely true. Something clicked and at the risk of sounding hokey it felt meant to be. I think even with the people who share their stories of much more crazy situations there is always something about that match that felt right to them. Maybe it was just about the baby and had nothing to do with the birth family at all. I believe certain energies are drawn together and to me that's what explains the way you can meet someone and feel like you have always known them. I think often with adoption that's exactly how it is.

For years while we were trying to get pregnant I felt like there were times I could feel an energy around me, a baby waiting/trying to come through. My hubby and I called called it our spirit baby. It was like that little energy was already with us and when our son was born we both knew this was our spirit baby. He was the one I was waiting for all this time. 

Have questions about the adoption process? Leave a question in the comments section and I'll do my best to answer based on my experience. I know when your first starting out or even during the wait it can feel lonely and daunting. I'm happy to share what I've learned to help along to way :) Fire away!

Having a newborn is like Groundhog day

My hubby went back to work this week after three weeks home. It was a true blessing for us all to have so much time together, I know many people don't get that. I loved seeing him with the baby and how much of a natural dad he is...I knew he would be.

Now that it's just me and the little man day in and day out, I really feel like having a newborn is like that movie groundhog day. It's basically three - three and a half hour cycles of feeding, changing diapers, playing and sleeping. then do it all over again - non-stop. I'm loving it, but I can see how it could drive some people crazy. I have always enjoyed repetitive things and this comes with the glorious added benefit of a baby, what could be better? Of course in between the cycles there are also lots of dishes (especially bottles to be washed - eating every three hours means lots of bottles) and there is TONS of laundry. I was warned about the amount of laundry, but I truly had no idea.

Luckily my little buddy likes to help :)

Meet the Little Man

Here's a picture of our little guy, isn't he the cutest?! I'm completely smitten.

For all you soon to be moms out there...

So for all you ladies out there who are waiting to become moms, here's a quick list of things I recommend having ready for when your baby arrives. These are things no one really told me about and I think as adoptive moms we have a slightly different perspective on preparation...

jumpers - the ones that snap or zip so you don't have to put clothes over the baby's head. The kimono style ones are great, but the straight up sleepers with feet are good too (depending on the time of year your baby comes). I love the snaps because our little guy doesn't like being cold and with the snapped jumpers I can just pull the bottom of his body out and change the diaper leaving the upper part of the jumper on, so he doesn't get as cold. I heard gowns are good too, but we tried those and didn't like having to put it over his head, plus the elastic at the bottom can be a little cumbersome to me.

Formula & Bottles - If you think you will be at the hospital when the baby is born, pick out a formula ahead of time (if you want to use anything different than what is at the hospital, if you are cool with whatever they have, then don't worry about it). You can bring it with you and they will start the baby on it from the beginning. Also choose bottles and bring those with you too. We just went with what the hospital had, which was fine, but when we got home the bottles we had were completely different than the nipple the baby had gotten used to in the hospital so I made a midnight run to the drug store to buy every kind of bottle they had with a similar nipple. We ended up using Dr. Brown's bottles and we like them, he doesn't have a lot of gas and they say their bottles are good for that...

Bottle cleaning supplies - bottle drying rack and brushes for cleaning bottles

swaddles - the blanket swaddle is great but sometimes baby will bust his or her little hands out and wake himself up. If you have a fussy baby having one of those swaddles that velcros shut can work like a charm. Our little guy is pretty chill, but we did have one night where he just wouldn't settle. I remembered the velcro swaddle and tried it out - it worked great and we all got some rest.

burp cloths - I recommend old school diapers. They are absorbent and soft and a good size. Get the pre-fold kind, the non pre-folds are giant.

ribbed hats - the one they give you in the hospital is great, the ones you buy at stores are usually made out of jersey fabric or something and are not very stretchy - they don't stay on - at least if you have a smaller baby they don't - our baby weighed in just under 7 lbs and any hats other than the hospital ones just float right off his head, especially if he's laying down. I am currently knitting one so we have something in addition to the two hospital ones we have. Ribbed people I'm telling you, ribbed is the secret to a hat staying on.

Lots of receiving blankets - you can use them for all kinds of things and they get dirty fast, we probably use at least three a day, they either get peed on, spit up on or just get dirty somehow.

I also love the aiden and anais blankets, they are made out of gauze and are nice and big. Our baby is small so they aren't the best for swaddling yet - he ends up drowning in them - but they are great for an additional blanket on his feet when in the stroller or as a cover up over his car seat so he doesn't get blasted by the sun. They breathe so he doesn't get too hot which is nice.

***edited***Desitin - you want to have the heavy duty diaper cream on hand if diaper rash strikes.
**I have recently also tried A&D Ointment and I like it better than the Desitin, it smells better and doesn't leave the white residue on the buns :) **

Diapers - I have to start by saying I did a ton of research on diapers before our little man was born and decided to use gDiapers. As of today we have only used 1 gDiaper. I'm not ready to give up on them, but I recommend just sticking with what's easy at first and gDiapers are kind of bulky. They rubbed him and made his little legs and tummy red. For now we are using the all natural huggies for newborns with the cut out for the umbilcal cord and when he gets a little bigger we will try the gDiapers again. I have faith they may still be a great option, but like I said when you first get home, you need easy and known and sticking with what they used at the hospital (or something similar) just made sense for us.

Bassinet - we have one that rolls around and it's great. We have it next to the bed at night and move it out into the living area during the day. I like having our little guy close so I'm not ready to put him in his crib. Having a bassinet has made keeping him close really easy and comfortable for all of us.

Car Seat - this is obvious, but we got the call to go to the hospital a little earlier than expected and were out in our car at midnight reading manuals and figuring out how to install it properly...even if you don't leave it in, I recommend doing a trial run so you feel prepared when the moment arrives.

Head stabilizer for the car seat - you know those little rolly things that your baby's head rests in so it doesn't bob around in the car seat, it kind of looks like a travel pillow but it wraps around the top of their head instead of their neck. They are a must especially if you have a smaller baby.

Pack a bag ahead of time, don't forget chap stick, lotion, water, snacks and anything else you like to have handy once you are there with your baby you won't want to leave for anything. We were able to room in and if that's the case for you, I recommend lots of comfy clothes, you pretty much just sit around all day holding the baby, you want to be comfortable.

Ok, that's all I can think of for now. If anyone has questions, fire away! I'm hoping it happens for all you waiting ladies soon. It really is just as amazing as you think it will be - and remember it's just a matter of time.

Never been better

Our baby was born on Saturday. He is amazing. We were so fortunate to be at the hospital, in the room when he was born into this world and then were able to stay at the hospital and start caring for him immediately. The past few days have been unbelievable. I am so in love my heart might burst. I've never experienced anything like this. Today I was standing in the kitchen with hubby and just got teary eyed. I am finally a mom. This has been such a long time coming.  Our little man is pure magic.

Trusting

I feel very lucky about our current situation. The birth parents are great and we get along really well with them. I'm happy to say I have no reservations about including them into our extended family, which I wasn't sure would be the case considering all the potential variables/possibilities with adoption.

This experience is causing me to really let go on levels I wouldn't have expected and trust in ways I could have never anticipated. In my heart I feel like this is it. My husband and I have often referred to our baby as "the spirit baby", thinking there is a little spirit out there trying to make it's way to us. When we entered into adoption, that same idea held true. We heard so many stories of people who had starts and stops, one set of friends had a reclaim, which means they had the baby with them for three days and the birth mother changed her mind. Talk about heart breaking. But through all the stories everyone has had the same sentiment in the end...the baby that was meant to be theirs was the one they ended up with. I think in this process you just have to believe that.

That said, through all the trusting and faith there is still this in between time. The time when you are matched, but the baby hasn't been born. It's a special time of soaking in the idea of actually becoming a parent, but it is also a trepidacious time. I am confronted again and again by how little control I actually have in this life and this experience is no exception. Do I feel in my heart this is our baby? yes. Do I think this is going to happen? yes. Do I worry it won't work out? yes.

This experience is teaching me to trust in a whole new way. Trust my instincts, trust that even if my insticts are wrong and it doesn't happen, we will be ok. Trust that we have the space to hold whatever emotions come up throughout this process for ourselves, the birth family and the baby. Trust that our baby is on it's way to us and trust that when it happens, it is going to be just as amazing as I imagine.

Lasts

We seem to give so much attention to firsts...first kiss, first love, first baby. It's all very exciting and fun, but I'd like to take a minute to address some lasts.

My birthday is in a few weeks and this will be the last time I wonder "This time next year will I be a mom?"
This year will hold the last mother's day and father's day without a child in our life.
These next few weeks will be the last weeks of uniterrupted sleeping in, whimsical trips to the store and last minute date nights.
This Thanksgiving will be the last time we give thanks for all our blessings but still wish for a baby.
This is the last "fall back" time change where I am not a mom.
This is my last job where I will wonder "Will I become a mom while I work here?"
I'm coming up on the last time I will get my period and wonder if I will ever become a mom. (granted the period will still come, but the question of mommyhood, not anymore!)
And on a smaller scale as we get closer to the baby's due date, I will have many small lasts like, the last time I eat ice cream without a baby, the last time I take the dogs for a walk without a baby on tow, the last time I will watch the stars at night or sit on our front porch, without a baby in my arms.

Let's celebrate the lasts, because this time around the lasts are something to celebrate!

Quandry

I'm having this internal debate regarding privacy and sharing and openess on this inter web we are all a part of. First I'll start by saying I love reading blogs, other people's blogs help me to feel less alone when I read a story of someone that connects to my own experience I think there is something truly amazing about that. The internet is such a magical tool for all of us to create a more global and expansive community. That's why I started a blog of my own.

Lately I've been feeling at a loss. I am so excited about what is happening for us with our match and the adoption, but am having a hard time figuring out what to share on this very open public forum. I go back and forth between thinking...it's no big deal I mean who is going to know who we are anyway and even it they did why would that matter? to feeling like I have an obligation to protect the virtual identity of our future child. It leaves me in a quandry.

The whole adoption experience is a unique one for sure. Not only are we becoming parents and navigating everything that comes with that but we are welcoming a whole set of people into our extended family. We need to consider the baby, but also the birth parents and their experience. It's complicated.

I'm curious how the rest of you have navigated this in your adoption? Did you ask your birth parents about it or just figure out what you thought was the right thing to do?

Thank you :)

I just wanted to take a quick minute to say thank you to all the wonderful people who read my blog. I truly appreciate the encouraging and supportive comments and feel really lucky to be part of this community we have all created.

((hugs))

Jumping into the great wide open

Right after our match became official I spent several days in what I would call good news shock. I was trying to comprehend the amazing good news that I was experiencing along with making peace with the inherant fears related to that very experience. If I'm honest I'm still processing it. Just last night it kind of hit me, wow, my life is about to seriously change. I've been conceptualizing the idea of becoming a parent for so long. Every job I've had over the past several years I start thinking, I wonder if this is where I will work when we have a baby? Or when we go camping I think, I wonder how it will be to bring our baby camping? Or how will it be to see my hubby as a daddy or my dad as a grandpa? It's been something I've thought about for years in all kinds of different situations. It's kind of strange to start thinking about what it is actually going to be like. I know my life is about the take a dramatic turn. There is about to be a little person in my life unlike any other person who has come before, I know I am about to be changed in ways I can't even imagine and I can't wait! Adoption is such a special and unique experience because as an adoptive parent it is sort of like the first trimester and the last two months of pregancy all rolled into one.

I have felt that fierce urge to protect the information of our experience, similar to how I imagine the first trimester of pregnancy would be where you are super excited but also know a miscarriage is possible. I have also felt the extreme excitement of being just afew months from our due date and in the thick of baby preparation. Throw into the mix the experience of getting to know the birth mother and it's a wild ride to say the least.

After lots of emotional stops and starts while making my way out of the baby shock haze, I decided to just jump in. Do I understand this might not work out? Yes, but I am chosing to trust the process, the birthmom and the little spirit baby who has found us. We will be devastated whether we allow ourselves the excitement or not so why not enjoy this time? We are having a baby people! WooHoo! Let's party!!!

Our match meeting is coming up in the next couple weeks, which is where we will meet with our adoption counselor and the birth parents to talk through all the details of our ongoing contact as well as what will happen at the hospital. I was feeling a little nervous about it, but am feeling more confident. I know it will be intense, and I also know we have the space in our hearts to hold whatever needs holding throughout the conversation. During my life and all the crazy ups and downs I feel like things often come full circle and what I know for sure and am reminded of again and again is that Love is the most important thing.

Love for ourselves, love for each other and the general spirit of love, there can't be too much of it. And when you focus on love, good things happen and you can make it through anything.

Eenie, Meenie, Mynie...MATCH!

We got the call and the birth mother wants to match with us! We are beyond excited. It's pretty surreal actually. I looked at our profile on our adoption agency's website yesterday and you can no longer click through to our profile...it just says MATCHED! It's pretty exciting.

The next step is what they call a match meeting, where we will talk about all the details of the adoption agreement, including ongoing contact as well as the specifics of what will happen at the hospital when the baby is born. I'm told it will take 2 - 4 hours, whew! I have a feeling it's going to be a doozy.

Luckily we have already been quite open with our birthmother and she with us, so I don't anticipate much coming up that is unexpected. Although I'm sure it will be an emotional meeting.

The date for the match meeting is still TBD but we are hoping it will happen in the next couple weeks. For now we are just soaking it all in and getting excited about the new little person who is making their way into our lives.

Craftastic!

I'm not going to lie my heart quickened when I saw this amazing craft storage solution. For any of you fellow crafters out there, you know how crazy it can be to try and find the right way to store all your goodies and still keep everything looking nice and organized. So you can understand why the sudden change in heart rate when I came across this. Oh be still my heart, I may have to start saving my pennies for one of my very own.

Found here on Oh Happy Day!
For purchase or more info here

Holy Contact Batman!!!

So it's been a couple weeks since my last post and ALOT has happened.

11 days ago we got an email, it went something like this:
we were sitting in the airport waiting for our flight to go visit hubby's parents for a few days when I checked my email...hmm, there's an email to our adoption account, probably spam, but I'll check it...wait?! it's a real email!

We spent the next few hours spinning from the fact that we had received a "real" email from a real birth mom interested in talking with us. How exciting!

Once we arrived to our destination we carefully crafted a reply and spent the entire next day obsessing about what we had written - did we say something dumb, did we scare her away - and checking email non-stop. (Ah the beauty of smart phones). Finally right before bed we got a reply. She wanted to meet us!

We spent the next few days emailing back and forth about details and it was decided, we would meet.
Needless the say the days leading up to the meeting were a bit nerve racking. But the meeting was yesterday and it went great. I really don't think it could have gone better. We all got along great and it seems at this point we are headed toward a match!

I'm going to leave it at that for now. As we all know in this crazy world of adoption there is always a chance things could change or someone could change their mind. But for now we are allowing ourselves to get excited about the idea that it seems we are truly on our way to becoming parents...probably before the end of this year!!!

Stay tuned peeps this is exciting and for those of you still waiting for your own email, just remember it really can happen at anytime. One day eating dinner at the airport, next day setting up a meeting with a birthmother...who knew?!

The stories

Something I've learned so far is the minute you tell someone you're adopting, they have a story to share. And boy have I heard some crazy ones!

A neighbor recently told me about a friend of hers who got a knock on their door. It was a woman from down the road who they had seen but never really interacted with who proceeded to tell them she was pregnant, was unable to parent and wanted them to adopt her baby! Can you believe that?! Come to find out yesterday that same couple got pregant unexpectadly right before the baby was due and decided not to go ahead with the adoption. My neighbor put in a plug for us, but I guess it was too late, the birth mother had already chosen another family.

I guess you never really know how you'll react to any given situation, but I can say with pretty good certanty that if we did (by some miracle) get pregnant, we would still move forward with adoption.

This is just one of many stories that have been shared with us. Some are inspiring and some a little annoying honestly. How many times have you been told..."now that you're adopting you'll get pregnant"? If you did get pregnant would you still adopt?

Preparing for Baby Hiatus

So, as goes the tide with adoption and waiting for a baby to arrive, I am taking a break from "prepare mode". I'm still excited and will buy little things here and there I'm sure, but for right now I need a little break. We've been talking about moving to a different city, near by where we live now, just closer to family...we keep going back and forth, it's something we think would make sense, especially once our baby arrives, but there are things about where we live now that we absolutely love. So I'm feeling a bit like a ping pong ball with the whole topic. Then on Saturday I had a minor control freak moment.

I was feeling like I just wanted to decide, pick a lane and move ahead, but after talking it through a little more I realized it really didn't have anything to do with moving, it had everything to do with "waiting". Sometimes I feel so out of control. I wish I could just want it into being, I mean if that was the case we'd have 12 kids by now!

It's been 9 months since we got into circulation - appropriate I guess, maybe that means we'll get contacted soon...I hope so, as of now it's looking like our baby is a little over due :)

Newborn Care

We took a newborn care class last night. It was great. The woman who ran the class was so enthusiastic about babies and helping new parents, she made me giggle a couple times with the amount of enthusiasm she had for the subject.

We learned how to bathe a baby, how to change a diaper, how to spot signs of possible illness, how to take their temperature and what's normal in newborns. It was really interesting and both my husband and I left feeling more prepared for when our little one arrives.

They had little dolls we were able to practice on. We diapered them and then swaddled them in a blanket. It was fun watching my hubby put the little diaper on and watching him laugh when the teacher talked about diaper blow outs and how to avoid them. I had no idea how to care for the umbilical cord - you actually don't do much of anything, just treat it kind of like a scab and don't get it wet. She went through step by step how to give the baby a bath - both sponge bath (before the cord falls off) and regular "immersion" bath (once the cord falls off). She also gave us information on when to call or bring the baby in and when something might seem strange but is normal.

It was a fun night envisioning ourselves as parents, we're both so excited. We can't wait!